I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
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