how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
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