Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
