im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Randomize