What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
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