I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize