i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
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