Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
Randomize
