i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
