Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
Randomize
