I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Randomize
