Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
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