i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I just forgot I was standing up.
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Randomize
