i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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