if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Randomize
