You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
