Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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