Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
