What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
