I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
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