I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
Randomize
