there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
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