My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
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