I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
BRING THE BAGELS
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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