non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Randomize
