don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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