So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
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