Screwed.edu
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
