can we get nightvision for the apartment?
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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