Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Will exercising make me less horny?
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