You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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