I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Randomize
