I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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