i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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