Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
what the fuck happened to the tacos
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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