i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
