accomplished twins. life is a go
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
Let's paint friendship bongs
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
