Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
