my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
