wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
