Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Randomize
