evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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