Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
