god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
