i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
