I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
Randomize
