I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
