What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
