ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
I have aggressive nipples.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
