I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Randomize
