Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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