Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
Please advise as to how precisely ashamed I should be if I just became sexually aroused by a Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince preview
Sober January is a disaster.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
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