if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
The cops high fived after they tackled you
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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