I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
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