I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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