I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Randomize