i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Randomize
