Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
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