I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Randomize
