Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
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