Just mADE A PArabola og urine
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
