I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
i just went dwnstairs and there are 5 guys without their shirts on hugging each other. i think i should leave now
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
We are taking shots for every green Lon-Capa box we get for the homework.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Randomize
