you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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