Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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