Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
How drunk are you?
Completed.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
