some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Randomize
