I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
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