if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
Randomize
