atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
Best friends brother. Beat that.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
Randomize
